Capolla , J.

[Deleted]

UNITED NATIONS SPACE COMMAND DEFENSE FORCE
PERSONNEL COMMAND (PERSCOM)

CAREER SERVICE VITAE


Basic Information
Name: James "Jimmie" Capolla
Age: 18 (either the age or the date of birth needs to be altered. The year of the RP is 2542)
Birth Date: December 3, 2522
Birth Place: Inner Colonies , Reach , Epsilon Eridani system

Service Information[/u]
UNSC Military Identification: (6730123))
Service Number: (five digits-five digits-last name, first name intial (30671-90702-Capolla-J)
Rank: (Private First Class
MOS: 0317
Billet:

RIFLE QUAL: 230
PISTOL QUAL: 220
SWIM QUAL: Class S3
PFT: Class 2 180
 

Unit Information
Command: 27th Marine Expeditionary Unit
Regiment: 12th Regiment
Battalion: 1st Battalion
Company: Oscar Company
Platoon: Second Platoon
Squad:
Fire Team:

Medical Information
Gender: Male
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 205
Eye Color: BLU
Hair Color: BRN
Blood Type: AB +

Personality Profile: (Personality needs to be expanded)
Seeking pride and fulfillment for lost members of the family . Making it personal for me knowing that's it's our land and coming to our front. This defines the military background of my family knowing the "All in" attitude towards the war effort .

As was born in a war invested area I received mercenary training from the members of my community. In order to protect and defend our own against the enemy since the outbreak of war in 2525.



Physical Description: (Physical description needs to be expanded)
As for physical appearance small in stature but muscular . As for scaring multiple burn markings on arms from previous engagements from the enemy by plasma weaponry . As for tattoos on the right arm (shoulder) of mother and fathers names, ( Frank , Mary ) with heart around it .
As for additional scaring just above the lip and above the right eye.



Background Information: (Background needs to be expanded AND be switched to third person instead of first.)
Before the enlistment to the Marines i was in a small militia group to help protect the area . As it was ravaged from previous battles and numbers grew weak and outsourced it was dissolved . As for my town it was destroyed and everyone I loved was wasted . I had nothing but the clothes on my back after all the attacks . As the formal military was my only turn for sense of brotherhood and family . In the battles blood has spilled and families been broken . As it is an honor and a privilege to serve and protect from this enemy and to restore the peace that once was on earth as it is in heaven . As for my service I have only been in for 6 months and Oscar company has been my only faction since my militia days

[Cruz, J.]

Hello I am Gunnery Sergeant Cruz, the co-administrator otherwise known as Fenris. I am in charge of giving feedback on profiles as well as advice if requested.

I have already marked what needs to be addressed in this profile. Please message me when the changes have been incorporated.

Gunnery Sergeant Cruz
Platoon Sergeant
Oscar Company

[Durant, M.]

I'd like to add a few things. Your Service Record needs to be fixed. It should be five numbers-five numbers-AZ. For instance, your word be five numbers-five numbers-JC.

Next, your physical description, weight, and height don't match up. Two hundred and five pounds at five-eight is pretty hefty, and your physical description says he is small in stature. Perhaps lowering his weight by about twenty pounds would be more reasonable.

Also, your Personality Description needs to be in the Third Person.

Finally, there are some spelling errors and punctuation errors. The letter "i" by itself should always be capitalized. Periods and commas come directly after the text, with no space in between. Example: "I am showing you an example." and not "I am showing you an example ." The same is to be said with commas.

Other than that, Fenris has covered everything else. Expand your personality description and background.

[Durant, M.]

Oh, and because this computer is acting weird and not letting me edit my post, I am double-posting. Your physical description definitely needs beefing up.

Remember, you need two paragraphs of description for your personality profile and physical description. Four paragraphs for your background at minimum (much more would be preferable).

[Cruz, J.]

This thread has until 11 JAN 14 to be fixed otherwise it will be rejected.

[Cruz, J.]

This application is henceforth denied due to the creator not meeting the deadline to fix the issues.

Signed,
Gunnery Sergeant Cruz
Platoon Sergeant
Oscar Company